The London Dungeon: Not For The Faint Of Heart
The London Dungeon Not For The Faint Of Heart
When on a trip to London, popular stops include a visit to the Houses of Parliament, the London Tower Bridge, and St. Paul's Cathedral. These attractions are all considered must visits, but if you would like to take a small step away from the "traditional," history of London, you are encouraged to step inside the London Dungeon.
Although occasionally classified as a museum, there is much more to this popular attraction. In a way, it serves as a museum, theater, haunted house, and small amusement park. Those are interesting combinations, which is why the London Dungeon is considered a must visit. However, due to the nature of this attraction, this is not the best stop for those on a family vacation.
The London Dungeon is located at 28 Tooley Street. As soon as you step enter the dungeon, which is located in a cellar beneath the London Bridge, you will know what awaits you.
Speaking of the nature of the London Dungeon, it highlights the darker side of London. This is a side of London that many are unfamiliar with. Just a few of the events you will find highlighted here include torture, the plague, the Great Fire of London, and the chilling true tales of Jack the Ripper and Sweeny Todd.
As for how these events are shared with you, multiple methods are used. These methods include the use of live actors, films, two fearful rides, and special effects. As previously stated, this attraction is best for adults. The London Dungeon feels that the best way to experience the darker side of London is to experience the fear that residents felt at the time.
One of the rides available at the London Dungeon is the Extremis, also known as "The Drop Ride to Doom." Right out of a horror novel, a hooded hangman will guide you to your seat on the right. You will not have much time for fearful anticipation, as the trap door on the floor will give away. You will then quickly drop to nothing but darkness below.
The other ride found at the London Dungeon is that of the Boat Ride to Hell. This ride plays on your darkest fears; however, the operators of the London Dungeon claim there is no better and fun way to face your fears. Once you hop on the boat, you will be led through rough, descending, and murky waters. Total darkness and scary characters along the way will leave you with a mix of excitement and fear.
When on a visit to the London Dungeon, you will wander through the London Dungeon in a tour-like format. Tours tend to last an hour to an hour and half. Although very scary and true to many instances of life in London, this attraction is comes highly rated and recommended. If you too like the experience, you must pay another admission fee and retake the tour to enjoy the rides again.
As for why a visit to the London Dungeon is recommended, you will not find anything else like it in London. The experience is one that you will remember forever. The quality of the rides and shows are high. In fact, the London Dungeon has won the Best Unusual Venue award for a number of years now. So, they must be doing something right; fearful but right.
London Dungeon Question please ergent!?
heyy.. ok im going to the london dungeon tomorrow and im 16. Online a 16 year old ticket is classed as an adult. You have to be 16 to go into the london dungeon without and adult. My friend is 15 but we cant lie about her age as she has one of them year pass things. Do i class as an adult coz of the ticket structure and we will both get in, or wil they not let us in. serious answers please thanks x
In order for you both to get in you will have to pay for an adult ticket if your friend is claiming she is under sixteen. I think you will both get in without any problems as long as your not acting like a pair of idiots (which im sure you wont be!) make sure you take ID to say that you are 16 just to be on the safe side.
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Fractions for the Faint of Heart
listening to "London Dungeon – Misfits" ♫
#Random but, the game of #Rugby isn't for the faint of heart…
Kanye west vs. Taylor Swift
Come in Orkut Community Of Misery Bear /Community?cmm=108754565
ive been arrested for not giving my name when ive been illegally stopped, so unfortunatly your wrong.
A description of the Mermaid Club:
Mermaid Tavern was located in Cheapside, to the east of St. Paul's Cathedral. It had entrances from both Friday Street and Bread Street. The tavern's sign, not surprisingly, bore a mermaid. Mermaid Tavern was the meeting place of the “Friday Street Club”, also known as the “Mermaid Club”, a literary club first begun in 1603 by Sir Walter Ralegh. Mermaid Tavern was a favorite haunt of Ben Jonson, Beaumont and Fletcher, John Donne, Robert Herrick, John Selden, and last, but not least, William Shakespeare.
The Mermaid Tavern, which burned down in the Great Fire of London, was memorialized in verse by Jonson in “Inviting a Friend to Supper”, by Beaumont in “Mr. Francis Beaumont's Letter to Ben Jonson, and, two hundred years later, by Keats in “Lines on the Mermaid Tavern.”
The Adventures of James Bone & Humphrey The Downing Street Cat.
My name is Humphrey the Downing Street Cat and my stories are set in a world of animals living a parallel existence alongside their fellow human beings. The adventures centre on and around a Scottie dog called James Bone and his friend Humphrey the Downing Street Cat. James Bone is a secret agent who works for CI6. (Canine Intelligence 6). The stories are loosely based on the James bond adventures. All the adventures James has have an International dimension, cutting across many exotic countries and continents. As you would expect there are lots of gadgets and hopefully a few amusing asides for the adults.
Below are some of the main characters. There is Winston the British bulldog who narrates the stories. Holmes and Watson, a great team of detectives who live over at Bakes Street. Big Ben and H. Pea, who live down at the houses of Parliament, Nelson the one eyed cat up at Trafalger square and a host of other characters just waiting to make an entrance. There are some interesting baddies and organisations from Don Corleone and the mafia to Bluefeld and S.M.E.R.C.H.
Titles
‘On her Majesties very secret Service.’
‘DR X’
‘For your ears only’
‘To Russia with Love’
‘Cold-finger’
‘The names Bone,……….. James Bone’
‘Shaken not stirred’
CHARACTERS
James Bone Secret Agent (C.I.6.)
James Bone is a Jet black, Scottie dog, who lives in an amazing flying kennel on Duck Island in St. James’s Park. He is a member of Her Majesties Secret Service (C.I.6. Canine Intelligence.) James’s kennel is crammed full of the latest gizmos and gadgets supplied by C.I.6. Which means, he and his best friend Humphrey, ‘The Downing Street Cat,’ get to have loads of fun playing with them? He is very secretive about what he does and spends a lot of time, out of the country on secret missions. Quite often his best friend Humphrey, ‘The Downing Street Cat’, accompanies him. When James is in residence on Duck Island, he likes to visit Humphrey and Winston; they are firm friends and always have a great time together. James is very brave, very strong and very handsome. He is a natural leader and loves nothing better than to be in the thick of the action.
CHARACTERISTICS
James likes his milk shaken not stirred. He loves fast cars and likes to fly his kennel all over the world. James also loves gadgets. He has a strong aversion to white cats he dislikes authority and hates bullies and big mouths. He likes politeness and good manners. James is an expert at Kung Fu. He has a soft Scottish accent, doesn’t say a lot but when he does the others listen. He loves adventure and action.
Humphrey the Downing Street Cat
Humphrey the Downing Street Cat was born in Downing Street and has lived there all his life. Humphrey knows everything that goes on in his patch, ‘The Downing Street triangle.’ Which is an area that runs from Buckingham palace, down the Mall to Trafalgar Square, then along Whitehall to Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament; finally it takes in a brisk stroll along Birdcage Walk bringing him back up to Buckingham Palace.
Humphrey’s best friend is the famous secret agent James Bone. James often asks Humphrey to accompany him on international secret missions, as Humphrey is quick thinking, smart, fit and always ready to help his best friend James.
He likes to live well and loves his food. Living at number ten, with the Prime Minister of Great Britain, Humphrey gets to sample the best food there is. His favourite food is kippers. No dustbin scavenging for him!
CHARACTERISTICS
Humphrey wears a white collar and black tie. He likes to do everything in style, ‘the King of Cool’ He loves adventures and is always excited about the next one James and he will be involved in. Being the best friend of an international spy means Humphrey has to keep fit for the adventures they have together.
Winston
Winston is a close friend of James and Humphrey. He narrates the adventures and missions the two friends share.
He is old and wise and often helps James and Humphrey get out of dangerous situations. Winston does tend to bumble around a little but he has loads of energy and a great sense of humour. One of his favourite things is to play pranks on others; rather like the famous British hero he was named after.
Sometimes Winston he can be a little forgetful but despite this the others like to come to him for advice. His voice is very deep, occasionally he shouts which makes everything rumble and others take notice.
CHARACTERISTICS
Winston has a black circle around his left eye and a black bowler hat, which he always wears. His way of speaking is old fashioned and he is very well mannered, both of these things add to his stately charm. He lives at no 11 Downing Street and always sings in the bath, it’s usually its ‘Land of Hope and Glory.’
Big Ben
Big Ben is a distant cousin of Humphrey. He lives along the road at Westminster, in the clock tower of Big Ben with his sister H.Pea. Big Ben is a little bit deaf due to the clanging of Big Ben’s bells. He is a real London character and often talks to H.Pea in rhyming slang. Saying things like, ‘Up the apple and pears,’ (stairs.) Get on the Tom and Gerry, (ferry). My little skin and blister, (sister.) Fancy a Ruby Murray, (curry). It’s in your skyrocket, (pocket) and many more.
He makes the others laugh with his rhyming slang. Everyone knows when Big Ben is around. He has a huge bell hanging round his neck, which clangs gently, as he rolls along. This noise and the fact that he’s overweight, helps to spoil his chances of catching any birds he tries to creep up on.
CHARACTERISTICS
Big Ben has a habit of always asking the time. He’s a very happy cat and jolly good company. Over the years, Big Ben has become a bit of a tubby cat. This is due to the fact that he and H.P. are always sneaking into the House of Commons kitchens, where the chef likes to feed them. Ben talks in rhyming slang and has a very strong cockney accent.
H.Pea
H Pea Big Ben’s little sister (skin & blister) is cheeky to everyone especially James and Humphrey. She adores her big brother and copies everything he does. They go everywhere together and Big Ben always looks after her. She has a high shrill voice. Like her brother she is a little deaf from the clanging of Big Bens bells.
CHARACTERISTICS
Unlike her big brother H.P. is petite. She wears a small bell around her neck and a pink bow in her hair. H.P. has a cockney voice and runs faster than any cat in the area.
She is very cheeky so her running speed comes in useful for making a swift getaway.
Her voice is musical, she sounds like a little cockney sparrow. Her favourite food is smoked salmon, which she often pinches from the kitchens in the House of Commons.
Holmes (or Sherlock Holmes the third to give him his full title).
Holmes is probably the most famous bloodhound in the world. He is the great grandson of Sherlock Holmes the 1st who was the trusted bloodhound who assisted the great Victorian private detective Sherlock Holmes. Holmes was very proud to be continuing the tradition of being a private detective and modelled himself on the great Sherlock Holmes who was his hero.
Characteristics
An extremely careful and detailed detective. You can never rush Holmes. He likes to think his way through a problem. Holmes relies heavily on the research he carries out and the help he gets from his enthusiastic friend and assistant Watson.
Watson
Almost, but not quite as famous as Holmes, Watson enjoys being a very capable and clever number two. Watson is very enthusiastic, full of energy and ideas. He is often the one who comes up with the solutions to solve the crimes and mysteries assignments Holmes takes on.
Characteristics
Hard working, intelligent, brave and modest. Watson is like an old time gentleman who always tries to do the right thing. We could do with a lot more Watson’s in this world.
My first story……..I hope you enjoy it. All characters are the copyright property of tandem design Frank Bell and Colin Bowler.
THE ADVENTURES OF JAMES BONE & THE DOWNING STREET CAT.
‘On Her Majesty’s very secret service’
Chapter one – A perfect day
‘Let me start by introducing myself. I’m what you might call a very British bulldog and my name is Winston. I live with my master the Chancellor of the Exchequer in the heart of London at number 11, Downing Street. As luck would have it, I just happen to live next door to the Prime Minister of Great Britain, who as you probably know, lives at number 10. I’ve lived here for most of my life, which if my maths is correct, makes me ninety-eight years old. Recently it dawned on me just how old I was getting and decided I had better write my memoirs before I pop my clogs. I’ve had many wonderful adventures here and made some marvellous friends so before my memory fades completely I invite you all to sit back and enjoy my favourite stories with me.
I have to say that Downing Street is a really marvellous place to live. It’s always busy and there’s always something happening, or just about to happen. Lots of people rush backwards and forward visiting the Prime Minister and my master the Chancellor. Why it seems like only yesterday, that my next-door neighbour Humphrey The Downing Street Cat, told me the exciting tale about the time his best friend James Bone, asked for his help in a top secret mission to rescue the Queen of England. Let me just dip my pen in the inkwell then I can write down everything I’m telling you as I go along.
I can remember the story so clearly. It was a warm summer’s morning on the 14th of May. The sun shone brightly and not a breath of wind stirred the air. Rolling over on his back, Humphrey looked up at the sky and gave a deep sigh.
‘Now this is what I call a perfect day’. He said out loud. ‘The sky’s so beautiful it looks like an artist has just finished painting it’.
He was absolutely right. It was just like looking at a picture, a perfect picture, so fresh and so clean. It was as if the paint was still wet and the sun had come out especially to dry it. The only thing that made Humphrey realise he was not looking at a picture, was a gently swirling vapour trail and the muffled roar of a distant plane as it swiftly cut a line through the clear blue sky above him. A loud series of clicking sounds brought Humphrey out of his daydream and back to reality. He rolled over onto his chest and peered over the edge of the windowsill, to see what all the fuss was about. In the street down below, the Prime Ministers car had just pulled up outside the front door of number 10.
‘I see,’ he said to himself. ‘The boss is back.’ As the car door opened, the waiting pack of journalists pushed forward, clicking their cameras faster and louder than a field full of crickets on a summers evening.
‘Time to pop down and make the PM welcome,’ thought Humphrey.
‘He does seem to like it when I jump up into his lap and let him stroke me. I think it helps the old boy relax and de-stresses him a little’.
Humphrey arched his back, stretched for all he was worth then strolled off the windowsill and in through the open window. He jumped first, onto the bed, then down onto the thick rich carpet. Casually, he took a look around before strolling lazily through the open doors and out onto the landing. He took another casual glance then made a gentle stroll to the wide staircase that would lead him downstairs to the PM's study. Humphrey peered around the study door and spotted the PM gently rocking backwards and forwards in his favourite chair. His eyes were closed, his shoes were off and his feet were comfortably crossed on top of his desk. With one easy leap, Humphrey landed softly on the PM's lap. The PM briefly opened his eyes then he gently started to stroke Humphrey, who responded by elegantly curling himself in a circle, closing his eyes and purring.
‘Humphrey you sound just like a little a mini outboard engine,’ said the PM sleepily. A few moments later when the PM's secretary popped his head around the door, they were both fast asleep, one purring loudly, the other gently snoring. Suddenly, without any warning, the quiet of their afternoon nap was shattered by the loud ringing of the PM’s emergency phone. The PM shot out of his chair. As he jumped up, he spilled Humphrey out of his lap down towards the floor. Humphrey was already wide-awake and executed a perfect back flip before landing safely on the floor. That just goes to prove the old saying, ‘cats always land on their feet,’ thought Humphrey as he settled down to watch a very flustered PM take the phone call.
‘Yes, yes, yes I understand completely,’ said the PM nodding his head furiously as he spoke. Then for a second or two he held the phone away from his ear and yelled in the general direction of his office door.
‘Get me the heads of MI6 and MI5 on the line immediately…………… If not sooner’’!!!! He added loudly, in an effort to hurry people along. Slamming the phone down in its cradle, he let out a huge sigh before easing himself back down into his chair. He paused for a second then glanced at a very calm looking Humphrey.
‘It’s all right for you Humph old boy; you’re so lucky you’re a cat and don’t know what’s happening. But I must say it’s a pity you can’t understand what I’m saying Humph. I have a huge problem on my hands and right now I could use all the help I can get.
Late last night, someone kidnapped the Queen…’
Chapter two – Duck Island
Humphrey looked up at the PM, brushed up against his legs then trotted off towards the back garden. Humphrey had understood every single word the PM had spoken and had decided it was time to visit his best friend James Bone. He wanted to find out if there was anyway James could help find the Queen.
‘That’s the trouble with humans he thought’ as he made his way out of the door and across the back garden lawn.
‘They think we are simply dumb animals, without any brains. It really does make me mad. I do believe old Winston was right when he said, ‘if humans had just half of our brain power, they would be twice as clever as they think they are!’
Humphrey took his usual route to James Bone’s home. First he expertly climbed to the top of the large sprawling rose tree in the far corner of the garden. From there he made an easy jump to the top of the wall that surrounded No 10. Next came the tricky bit. Balancing himself carefully, Humphrey coiled up like a spring, took a deep breath and leapt through the air to the ground. He landed with the lightness and grace that only cats and ballet dancers possess.
Quickly he ran past the Foreign Office, across Horse Guards Road and into St James’s Park. Once in the park he headed straight for James Bone’s home on Duck Island.
James’s home was a very comfortable, very modern, spacious red kennel, which was filled to bursting point with the latest secret gadgets and devices CI6 could supply. The kennel was cleverly disguised and very well hidden behind a circle of thick green bushes, right in the centre of Duck Island. As a special agent working for CI6 (Canine Intelligence 6) It was vital that James kept his whereabouts as secret as possible.
Humphrey was the only friend James had told about the secret path leading to his kennel. As Humphrey trotted happily along the path he knew James would be lying spread-eagled in his box, carefully watching a wall full of plasma monitors which showed every move Humphrey was making. When Humph was about ten metres away from the kennel, he stopped then carefully stood on a large, square, brass metal plate. He took a moment to make himself comfortable then stood perfectly still.
This was James’s ‘Body Recognition Authorisation Scanning System or B.R.A.S.S. for short. It was a fantastic system James had invented with the boffins over at CI6. Like all good ideas the principal was simple. When someone stood on the plate, a powerful beam of light switched on and surrounded it. The beam of light read the details of whoever was standing on the plate and compared the readings with the details held in its memory bank; if the details matched the light went out and the visitor could proceed towards the door. If the details failed to match…well, let’s just say, a powerful laser blaster capable of destroying a small car was constantly trained on the brass plate.
So far, James had not found it necessary to use it…
The light went off and Humphrey hurried towards the door of the kennel. On the door was fixed a shiny silver plaque with the simple inscription, ‘welcome to No 1 Duck Island’. Before Humphrey could reach the knocker, the door opened and standing before him was his best friend, James Bone.
‘Come in Humphrey old boy, I watched your progress all the way along my secret path. I must say, you seemed to be in quite a hurry, so I’m guessing you’ve got something rather important to tell me’?
‘I’m surprised you haven’t heard yet James,’ replied Humphrey excitedly.
‘Your lot over at CI6 are usually on the case pretty fast. I left the PM’s office just a few minutes ago. I was listening to him speak with someone on the phone, who was telling him that the Queen has been kidnapped! As soon as I heard the news, I rushed over to tell you. I must say, when I left number 10, the PM was in a right old state’.
James leapt across the room, picked up his special scramble phone and dialled straight through to ‘C’ the head of canine intelligence at CI6. ‘C’s’ secretary, Miss Sonypennie, an extremely attractive Siamese cat, answered the call.
‘Yes James its true, the Queen was kidnapped from the palace. It was late last night to be precise. ‘C’ told me to tell you to get over here as fast as you can.’… ‘Actually James,’ she confessed. I should have told you earlier, but it completely slipped my mind, I’m so sorry. Oh and by the way James darling, ‘Cs’ not the only one who wants you over here, she added with a giggle.
‘There’s no time for that malarkey now, Miss Sonypennie. Said James with a serious voice. ‘Let’s get the Queen safely back in Buck Palace then maybe you and I can meet up for a few milk-shake cocktails. Tell ‘C’ I’ll be with her in five minutes’.
‘I’ll let her know, oh… and by the way James, it’s a date, just so long as the cocktails are shaken not stirred.’ Sonypennie hung up before James had a chance to reply.
James smiled to himself as he put the phone down.
Chapter three – CI6
‘Humphrey I have to get across to CI6 as quickly as possible. Strap yourself into a seat while I fire up the engines’.
Moments later the room was filled with the roar of the kennels engines warming up. Humphrey pressed his paws tightly over his ears to block out the sound. As the kennel slowly lifted off the ground, two short silver wings automatically slid out from each side of the roof and clicked into place. This was Humphrey’s first flight in the kennel and he was so thrilled he could hardly think straight.
‘James,’ he yelled excitedly. ‘Can people in the park see us taking off?’
‘No Humphrey old boy. They can hear us, but they can’t see us. As we get a little higher off the ground, take a look at the wall monitors and you will see people looking up in our direction; they are following the sound of the engines but thankfully they won’t see a thing. ‘P’ at CI6 recently fitted my kennel with a top-secret light wave system. The system acts as a cloak around the kennel and makes us invisible. ‘P’s one of those snobby inventors and told me it’s called ‘A controlled, light-wave, Oscillating Assimilator, type K; …………whatever that means! Being just a simple secret agent, I call it C.L.O.A.K. for short. It’s so much easier to remember and what’s even better Humph is when I call it C.L.O.A.K. it makes ‘P’ really annoyed’.
‘Just you wait and see Humphrey, tomorrow the TV and radio stations will be filled with stories of flying saucer and alien craft sightings all over London. The funny thing old boy is that the alien’s people think they are seeing, are you and me!’
‘Geronimo!!!’ He yelled and pulled hard back on the control stick sending the kennel speeding in the direction of the MI6 building. Humphrey looked over at the wall monitor, James was right. Little groups of people and animals stood together looking skywards trying to make out were the noise was coming from. From the blank expressions on their faces, it was clear to Humphrey that they couldn’t see a thing.
In a few minutes, the kennel was hurtling along, just a few feet above the grey waters of the River Thames.
‘There it is,’ cried James.
Up ahead was the impressive outline of the famous MI6 building. Everyone knew about the MI6 building and that it housed some of the top spies and some of the best gadgets in the world. But only a chosen few animals knew that the building was also the secret home of CI6, (Canine Intelligence 6). A top-secret base for James Bone 007 and all the other CI6 secret agents.
Instead of heading towards the front entrance of the building, James flew the kennel round the back and hovered over the car park. A message flashed up on the kennels monitor, ‘Clear to land in space number 10’. James manoeuvred the kennel to space number 10 and landed with a huge bump. James was a great pilot but he had never quite got the hang of landing. As soon as the kennel touched down the car park space started to descend, it was just like the deck of an aircraft carrier. Within a few seconds the light above them had all but disappeared. Deep beneath the MI6 building they jolted to a halt. James and Humphrey undid their straps, opened the kennel door and stepped out into a dimly lit tunnel. They looked around trying to adjust their eyes to the poor light. The first thing they managed to make out in the gloom was a miniature electric train.
‘Quick jump on the train Humphrey, it’s for us. We have to check in with ‘C’ as quickly as possible’.
‘Who exactly is this ‘C’? Humphrey asked jumping into an empty seat.
‘Well now, you will just have to wait and ‘C’, if you seeeee what I mean!’ laughed James as he settled in the seat next to him.
The train journey was very quick, so quick it seemed like it was over before it began. ‘We’ve arrived,’ announced James, leaping athletically out of the train and onto the platform. Humphrey followed closely behind him.
‘What’s next James,’ he asked excitedly.
‘We go through these rather smart glass doors, into a really super express lift which whooshes us up 21 floors to ‘C’s rooftop office,’ said James.
The lift doors closed silently behind them there was a slight pause then the lift accelerated at such a rate it made their ears pop. When they arrived at the 21st floor, the doors silently slid open and the two friends stepped out.
‘Over there’ yelled James, rushing across the huge flat roof towards a small brick building standing at the far corner of the roof. James was the first to arrive at the door of the building. He paused for a second or two to catch his breath then pressed his paw against a small silver screen. The screen immediately lit up and moments later the heavy metal door slowly began to open.
‘OK, follow me,’ said James walking confidently in through the open door.
A huge Irish Wolf hound stepped forward and blocked his progress.
‘Hello there! And a warm welcome back to you Mr Bone’, said the hound in a soft Irish accent. Your friend there must be Humphrey the Downing Street cat, if I’m correct? I have to say, your photograph doesn’t really do you Justice Mr Humphrey. By the way, I’m Shamus ‘O’ Farrell one of ‘C’s team of bodyguards. Gentlemen, if you would be good enough to follow me, ‘C’ is in the boardroom waiting your arrival.’
‘Don’t think I’d like to bump into him on a dark night,’ whispered Humphrey to James, as they followed the huge shadow of Shamus down the corridor and into the boardroom. ‘C’ was standing at the far end of the room, casually looking out of the window. She heard them enter and slowly turned around. Humphrey was instantly struck by her appearance. She was a very tall, very slim cat, with a long, shiny black coat. An impressive streak of white fur ran from between her eyes, over her forehead and all the way down her back to the tip of her very long, very elegant tail. Effortlessly she glided across the room to great them.
‘Hello James I’ve been expecting you,’ her voice was smooth, mellow and slightly husky.
‘This of course is your friend Humphrey’, she said as she turned to face him.
‘Well I’ve seen you on television with the P.M; so many times Humphrey that I feel like I almost know you.’ She starred directly at him with the brightest pair of cool blue eyes he had ever seen. The intense and hypnotic gaze quite unnerved Humphrey and he stumbled over his reply.
‘I ‘err …… must say you’re not exactly what I was expecting ‘C’ but it really is a pleasure to meet you.’ he replied.
‘Well I’m not surprised I’m not what you expected Humphrey,’ she laughed.
‘Everyone meeting me for the first time automatically expects the head of Canine Intelligence to be male and canine, not female and feline. But CI6 is an equal opportunities employer so all types of animals get an equal chance to rise to the top. Anyway, why should dogs and boys have all the best jobs and get all the best gadgets to play with? She said with a play-full wink. Then she linked arms with both of them and led them into the boardroom. When they were all comfortably seated her tone changed and she asked them firmly, ‘Well boys, tell me, how are we going to find the Queen and when we have found her, how are we going to rescue her?’ Those cool blue eyes darted from one to the other as she waited for an answer.
James, not in the least bit phased by ‘C’, spoke first.
‘I plan to visit the palace immediately ‘C’. I shall speak with the corgis the palace cats and any of the other animals to find out if they have any information to offer. After that, it’s off up to Baker Street, to see my old pals Holmes and Watson. Everyone reckons Holmes is getting a bit passed it, but I believe he’s still the best Bloodhound in the business. As for Watson, his research methods are the most thorough and modern I’ve ever come across and that includes ‘P’ and all those other boffins here at CI6.’
‘Very good James, that’s really most impressive. I fully approve of your plans,’ said ‘C’ smiling. But you must try to be kinder to dear old ‘P’. I know you two don’t get along, but that’s mainly because you keep breaking all the gadgets he designs for you James. Now what about you Humphrey have you any good ideas you want us to hear.’
Humphrey was quite surprised to be asked his opinion; after all he wasn’t a secret agent, simply a humble cat who just happened to live with the Prime Minister of Great Britain at number 10 Downing Street. His mind raced as he thought as fast as he could. He was desperate to try and come up with an idea as impressive as James’, but his mind was simply a blank. Just as he was about to give up, an idea sprung into his mind.
‘I’ve got it!’ He shouted as he got up from his chair.
‘Technology has to be the answer to solving our problems. Let’s get the CCTV tape recordings from all the cameras that are mounted in and around the palace and examine them. They may just give us clue as to where we should begin our investigation.’
‘That’s splendid Humphrey absolutely splendid. Leave that task with me, while you go and help James up at the palace. I’ll get the team from the technical department to sort it out immediately’. ‘C’ smiled at them as she reached across the table for the phone. James and Humphrey missed her smile completely; they were far too busy trying to keep up with Shamus ‘O’ Farrell, who was leading them back to the flying kennel at a furious pace.
Chapter four – A visit to Buckingham Palace.
As soon as Humphrey’s bottom touched his seat, the engines burst into life and the kennel started to lift off the ground.
‘Strap in Humphrey or I will be scraping you off the floor,’ laughed James as Humphrey fumbled with his safety belt. James switched on the C.L.O.A.K system then paused to give Humphrey a chance to finish belting up. As soon as Humphrey was ready, James hit the lever and the kennel whizzed across the river. James made a tiny steering adjustment to the left then gunned the kennel straight down the Vauxhall Road towards Buckingham Palace. As they hovered above the palace gardens, James threw a glance in Humphrey’s direction. The poor old thing looked like he was ready to throw up.
‘Sorry about that old man, bit heavy on the throttle I’m afraid. I’ll try to be a little more careful next time’. As usual, James landed the kennel with a huge bump.
With his head spinning and his stomach churning, Humphrey slowly loosened his seat belt. He wondered if he really wanted a next time.
The two friends climbed out of the kennel and quickly made their way to the kitchens; being careful to avoid being spotted by palace staff. As they approached the kitchens a tubby little Corgi let out a welcome bark.
‘Shh’… said James rushing over to the Corgi.
‘It’s very good to see you Clarence old man, but do try to keep the noise down. This is a top-secret mission and we want to keep it that way!’
‘No problem James, the truth is, I saw you and I’m afraid I was so pleased to see you, I err… got a little too excited and carried away. By the way James I must ask, who’s that odd looking fellow you’ve brought with you?’
‘That’s Humphrey the Downing Street Cat. He’s not at all odd Clarence. He’s just feeling a little sick. Something to do with my driving I think,’ laughed James.
‘Humph lives with the PM over at number 10 and right now he’s helping me on this mission. He’s a great chap, my best friend in fact and I’d trust him with my life. So be sure to help him out and tell him anything you would tell Me.’ said James.
‘Of course James, any friend of yours is a friend of mine. I will help him all I can,’ replied Clarence.
‘By the way Clarence old man,’ said James with a twinkle in his eye.
‘You must have been sitting under the table at a heck of lot of banquets since I last saw you’; he gently poked Clarence a couple of times in his rather ample stomach.
‘Yes I’m afraid you’re right James. I badly need to get down the gym, do some ‘Tums and Bums’ or whatever they call it nowadays.’
‘That’s what you told me last time if I remember correctly,’ answered James with a grin.
‘Now quickly, let’s get inside before someone sees us. Clarence, can you get all the palace animals together I need to ask them a few questions?’
‘Consider it done,’ said Clarence waddling towards a set of stairs which would take them down to a cellar beneath the kitchens.
‘Follow me chaps, we wont be disturbed down here’. James and Humphrey formed a tidy line behind Clarence and silently the three of them descended the cellar steps.
The cellar was dry, cool and crammed from floor to ceiling with rack upon rack, of fine wines. The trio managed to find a large, clear space at the back of the cellar where they sat down to wait for the palace animals to arrive. The first to turn up was Queenie; she was head of the royal Corgis and took her job extremely seriously. Queenie would always accompany the queen on her royal visits this made her think she was very important. When she was with the Queen she would be sure to be wearing her shiny gold crown, her favourite red velvet coat, elegantly trimmed with the finest ermine and her diamond encrusted royal collar. The other animals thought she was a bit of a snob.
Shuffling close behind Queenie was Hamish. He was an old, ex Army, English Sheep dog who had been in charge of the downstairs animals ever since he had retired from the service. Hamish would begin each day, by very slowly and methodically taking a register to make sure that all the fifty or so animals he was in charge of were present and correct. He would start at the palace stables, which was home to ten horses, a pair of Shetland ponies, two cows, four sheep and six west highland terriers. When these had all been safely accounted for he would move on to the animals in the outbuildings and gardens, finally he would account for the animals that lived in the palace itself.
A large assortment of cats arrived next led in by a cheeky chap called Kipper. The cats lodged in the downstairs ballroom and did a great job keeping the palace free from mice and rats. Kipper was a bit of a rebel who annoyed Hamish, as he wouldn’t do as Hamish told him. Poor old Hamish, trying to get fifty different animals to do what he wanted was a very difficult task.
Living out in the palace gardens was a large shiny tortoise called ‘Speedy Gonzales’ along with a weird pair of flamingos who strolled across the lawns liked they owned the place. Finally I must remember to mention Fred and Florence a pair of very snooty peacocks. For some reason, known only to her, the queen was very fond of Fred and Florence or Fed and Flo as she called them. Each morning, before her breakfast the queen would make a point of personally visiting the gardens to feed them.
In no time at the entire entire cellar was crammed full of animals keen to find out what was happening. James decided he would climb up on top of a wine rack, to make sure everybody could hear him when he spoke.
‘You’ve all probably heard the bad news by now but for those of you who haven’t, late last night the Queen was kidnapped. I’ve come down here today, to find out if any of you saw or heard anything unusual last night.’ For a few long moments the room was silent. It was so quite that if you had listened carefully, I do believe you could have heard a spider walking across the cool stone floor. Suddenly, from the far side of the room, a rough sounding, London accent, split the air.
‘Hello Gov, I’m Julius Germanicus, the err, garden cat,’
Standing by the open door looking very cocky was a great big ginger cat.
‘I don’t come indoors very often Gov, Hamish won’t let me in. He finks I’m a bit down market. In fact, this is only the second time I’ve been inside a palace building since I was born.’ He laughed roughly before continuing. ‘Yea Gov, I err, heard sum fin last night,’ saw sum fin as well actually. Fought it was a bit odd at the time… but not odd enough to make me wanna do anyfink about it, if you see’s what I mean.’ He looked round at the other animals his sharp cold eyes, waiting to see if any of them would pass a comment. The majority of the animals knew Julius Germanicus pretty well. Over the years he had developed a reputation for being argumentative, aggressive and a bit of a bully too full of his own importance. Most of the palace animals disliked him intensely and made a point of keeping out of his way.
‘What exactly was it that you saw…big boy?’ asked James in a slightly mocking manner. He was not the least bit worried by Julius Germanicus’s attitude or reputation. Over the years, James had dealt with a host of different types of bullies and ruffians from all around the world; one more wasn’t going to throw him into a panic. Humphrey thought differently and hurriedly scrambled up besides James on top of the wine rack. He caught his breath then whispered to James to be careful how he spoke to Julius Germanicus, as he was a ginger cat and ginger cats are well known for having very short tempers.
‘Thanks Humph old boy. But don’t worry, I’ve met his kind many times before and in my book brains usually beats brawn, and from where I’m standing, chubby old Julius Germanicus has plenty of brawn, but not too many brains’. He chuckled.
Julius Germanicus heard James’s comment but he pretended he hadn’t and let it fly right over his head and out through the open door. ‘Right you are Governor,’ he said pulling himself up to his full height and puffing out his chest. Being the centre of attention was beginning to make him feel quite important.
‘It was like this Guv, late last night I was having a kip on a wall, the low brick wall, just next to the fountain in the big courtyard. Suddenly me loverly dreams was disturbed by the noise of a van pullin’ up right in front of the kitchens. Soon as the ole van stopped, the kitchen door banged open and a butler comes out to meet the driver. It was that snotty butler. The one we all call's ‘posh Geoffrey’. You all know the geezer I’m talking about,’ he looked around the crowded room menacingly and a few of the animals nodded their heads.
‘Well posh Geoffrey takes a couple of trays of pizzas off the driver and goes back inside. Me, I finks nuffin' more of it and goes straight back to me forty winks. I’d hardly closed my eyes, when the kitchen door bangs open again. Two geezers, both dressed in black, come out of the kitchens, jump in the van and drive off. That was it, excitement over for the night. After that, I err, just curled up and went straight back to kip.’
‘Thank you, Julius Germanicus. You have been of great service,’ said James.
‘Who knows, if you ask Hamish nicely he may even let you in the palace buildings occasionally.’
‘Fink nuffin’ of it Guv. It’s a pleasure to be of help to the fuzz. I’m presumin you are a member of ‘err majesties police forces?’ He flashed James a Leary grin.
‘Buy the way officer if you do manage to find Her Highness, err…don’t forget me when they are givin' out the rewards will you.’ He said aggressively.
His words fell on deaf ears as James had already moved on and was asking other members of the crowd if they had seen anything worth reporting. James carefully searched the faces round the room, hoping for some response. All he got back was the low murmur of conversation as the animals talked amongst themselves.
Without warning, a bit of a fuss broke out at the back of the room the crowd parted and a small animal pushed its way through until it was in standing right in front of James.
‘Mr Bone, Mr Bone I must speak with you. I saw everything Julius Germanicus saw,’ it said in a shrill and anxious voice. James looked down to see where the sound was coming from. Looking up at him was a tiny, brown, field mouse. Without a moment’s hesitation, James leapt from his perch on the wine rack and landed right besides the mouse.
‘My goodness me, you’re taking a big chance coming in here’, he said to the mouse. ‘You could so easily end up as someone’s lunch. There must be at least, a dozen or so dangerous looking cats in the room. All I can say, is its lucky for you that there all very well fed’.
‘Yes you’re so right Mr Bone replied the mouse as it darted nervous glances around the room. My heart is beating furiously and I have never been so scared in my life but I had to tell you what I saw. It may help you rescue the queen.
‘What did you see’? James asked as he sat down besides the mouse.
‘And by the way, what’s your name?’
‘My names Henrietta Brown and as I said, I saw everything Julius Germanicus saw, but I was lucky enough to see a little more.’
‘Do go on I’m intrigued,’ said Humphrey, who had also jumped down from on top of the wine rack to join them. Henrietta was so startled by Humphrey’s sudden arrival that she ran to hide behind James.
‘Don’t Worry Henrietta, Humph won’t hurt you, he’s with me,’ said James.
‘Oh thank goodness for that James. For one horrid moment, I thought I was about to become the dish of the day,’ said Henrietta in a very shaky voice.
‘Well as I was saying, I saw everything and a few more things Julius Germanics missed. For a start, painted on the side of the van was the name of the pizza delivery company and I managed to remember it,’ she said triumphantly.
‘Fantastic,’ cried Humphrey.
‘What was the name,’ asked James.
‘The name of the company was ’Don Corleone’ The original stone baked Pizza Company.’ And I can remember the slogan that was painted under the name. It said, ‘Don Corleone he’ll make you a pizza you can’t refuse.’ That’s not all,’ she continued excitedly. ‘I also saw three, not two men as Julius Germanicus reported. They were all dressed in black and the three of them came out of the kitchens carrying a big black sack between them. They bundled the sack into the back of the van and closed the doors. After that two of them jumped into the van and drove off and the other one disappeared into the palace gardens.’
‘Well thank you so much for that Henrietta; you have been an enormous help. Now we really have some information to go on. Humphrey will see you safely back to wherever you want to go and let me say once again; we can’t thank you enough for being so brave and courageous. Coming into this hostile environment to tell us what you saw, was not an easy thing for you to do. You have our utmost admiration Henrietta,’ said James sincerely.
‘My Pleasure replied Henrietta. I am pleased to have helped and wish you both much luck in your search to find the queen.’ Humphrey led Henrietta back through the crowd and past Julius Germanicus, who was still leaning idly on the door.
As Henrietta passed Julius Germanicus he flashed his sharp claws and gave her a look that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. She felt certain that had Humphrey not been by her side, Julius Germanicus might have been enjoying a mouse sandwich for his lunch.
Humphrey and James met outside in the palace gardens to decide what to do next.
‘What do you think Humph old man,’ asked James as they strolled across the well manicured lawns.
‘Well I think Henrietta is an absolute star. It takes a lot of courage for a small mouse to enter a room full of fearsome cats. In my book, she really is, exceptionally brave.’
‘Yes your right, she is very brave and very observant, she has given us some wonderful information to work with. I think we should fly up to Baker Street to meet with my old friends Holmes and Watson. I would like to see what they think about the information we’ve gathered so far.’
‘Good idea James, lets get started.’ Humphrey was already sprinting towards the kennel. Suddenly, he slid to a stop and turned back towards James.
‘Oh by the way James, I meant to say to you, I’m not really sure about Julius Germanicus. There’s something not quite right about him. I don’t know what exactly, but I think we need to keep an eye on him.’
‘I agree Humphrey old boy. To my mind, he tries a bit too hard to be a chirpy cockney geezer. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him,’ Shouted James, as he ran to catch up with his friend.
‘I have already asked a couple of the palace animals to keep an eye on him and feed back any information they gather. Now come on, lets get the kennel fired up and over to Baker Street as fast as we can.’
Chapter five – Baker Street
A few minutes later they were heading out over Green Park, towards Park
Lane. As they passed overhead Humphrey managed to catch a brief glimpse of the horse guard’s exercising their horses in Hyde Park. Then it was up over Marble arch, across Portman Square and straight on up to Baker Street.
‘What number do we want,’ James asked Humphrey as he fiddled around programming the kennels sat-nav system.
‘221B Baker Street, Humphrey and make it fast, we are almost there.’
The sat nav locked on and the kennel glided safely down to land with a massive bump on the roof garden of 221B Baker Street, home to the famous private investigator Sherlock Holmes. As soon as they disembarked from the kennel, a slightly chubby, friendly looking dog in a bowler hat and glasses scurried over to greet them.
‘Hello there gentlemen my name is Watson, Dr Watson to be precise,’ he said introducing himself to Humphrey. Do tell me gentlemen. To what do we owe the pleasure of this unexpected visit,’ he asked jovially.
‘It’s me Doctor Watson,’ said James. ‘Don’t you recognise me?’
‘Well bless my soul. Its James Bone,’ replied Watson. ‘Do forgive my old eyes dear boy, I probably need to make a visit to ‘Spec-savers’ and get my eyes tested again.’
‘It’s good to see you again Dr Watson. We need to see Holmes and we need to see him urgently,’ said James shaking Watson warmly by the paw.
Watson turned quickly and urged the friends to follow him in through the open patio windows. Once inside they headed downstairs to a large book lined study. At one end of the study, wearing a well-worn deerstalker hat stood a rather sad looking bloodhound.
‘Holmes old man, so good to see you,’ cried James rushing across the room to greet his old friend.
‘It’s jolly good to see you again James young fellow,’ replied Holmes in a rich velvet voice. James quickly introduced Humphrey, before getting down to explaining everything that had happened so far; not forgetting to include the information they had managed to gather from Julius Germanicus and Henrietta.
‘Hmm, well gentlemen, I must confess you have set me a most interesting case, most interesting indeed,’ said Holmes.
‘As I see it,’ he continued, ‘on the night the Queen went missing, Julius Germanicus was the first to notice anything unusual, but he certainly wasn’t anywhere near as observant as Henrietta mouse had been. He saw two men and she saw three, carrying a bundle to the van. Could it be that he’s just trying to be clever and throw us off the scent, maybe he wants to make us look in the wrong places and waste our time? Or could he be telling the truth?’
‘That,’ said James, ‘is exactly why we need your help.’
‘Gentlemen, I need time to think. Would you be kind enough to leave me alone for an hour or so? By which time, I hope to have developed some idea of what we should be doing next.
‘Time for a glass of lemonade I think’ said Watson as he polished his glasses. He briskly led James and Humphrey back up stairs to the roof garden. Sitting in the evening sunshine the three of them relaxed drinking Watson’s home made lemonade. Down below, in his book-lined study, Holmes was carefully putting his thoughts together.
‘I can’t believe we have been on the go since early this morning’ said Humphrey. He moved off his seat, stretched all four legs and arched his back, in one smooth athletic movement.
‘I say,’ said Watson, ‘I wish I could still stretch like that. Oh to be young again. Humphrey young man, you simply don’t know how lucky you are. One day you will wake up and you wont be able to stretch that way, so you had better enjoy it while you can.’
‘If you think that’s good watch this,’ said Humphrey, showing off by performing a perfectly executed back flip.’
‘Bless my soul Humphrey. That shouldn’t be allowed. You’ve just made me feel a hundred and one years old,’ exclaimed Watson with a snort!
James took the opportunity to rib his old friend. ‘Watson, you’re starting to turn into a grumpy old man. If you keep on like that we will have to send you off to the ‘Battersea dog’s home.’
‘There’s not a chance of that James. I rarely travel south of the river unless it’s on business,’ he replied quickly.
‘Now just watch this, he commanded jumping up from his chair. He took a few quick steps forward then flipped himself head over heels through the air and finished with a perfect landing. Somehow he even managed to keep his hat on.
‘Bravo Watson, bravo,’ yelled Humphrey. ‘Bravo and well done echoed James.
Watson gave a gentle nod in their direction before returning to his chair, ‘Still life in the old dog yet gentlemen. I’m afraid Battersea dogs home will have to wait a little bit longer.’
The three of them had a marvellous time talking and chatting until Watson looked at his pocket watch and suggested it was time to go back downstairs and see how Holmes was getting on. They made their way down to the study to find Holmes hidden behind piles of books. There were books on the table, books on the floor, even the telephone had a pile of books balancing dangerously on top of it.
‘Goodness me Holmes, I do believe you are swimming in an ocean of books’ cried Humphrey.
‘You’re quite right young man and I’ve spent the last hour or so paddling around the edges of this ocean, before finally deciding to dive in and do some serious fishing’ replied Holmes in his deep tones.
‘Tell me James, how quickly can your kennel get you to Italy, the village of Corleone in Sicily to be precise… and by the way, do you happen to have a CI6 agent stationed there?’
‘Sicily should not be a problem Holmes. With both engines set to their maximum boost factor, we could be there in an about hour and twenty minutes. My problem is, we can only carry three passengers and that’s including the pilot. To answer your second question; yes, we have a very good agent stationed in Sicily, her name is ‘Coo chi Gucci’.
‘Why do you want us to go to Sicily Holmes?’ asked Humphrey. `
‘Well gentlemen, I’ve been checking out the information we have gathered so far. If I’m correct and quite honestly I can’t remember the last time I was wrong; we will find Her Majesty somewhere in Sicily, probably hidden in the Mafia village of Corleone’. Holmes flicked over the page of his Italian map to show them exactly where the village of Corleone was. Humphrey took the opportunity of a pause in the conversation, to lean over and whisper to Watson that he thought Holmes sounded a little too sure of himself.
‘Not at all,’ not at all my dear boy,’ whispered Watson back to him. ‘I’ve been working with Holmes for as long as I can remember and I’ve never known him be wrong yet’.
Holmes deep voice interrupted their whispering.
‘I must ask you all to trust me completely’’ he said dramatically. Then suddenly he turned and walked back to the bookcase at the far end of the room. The others held their breath, waiting anxiously to see what he was going to do next. Holmes slowly lent back against the bookcase, closed his eyes then began to scratch himself like crazy. When had finished he let out a huge sigh and said, ‘I am so sorry about that gentlemen, but I’m sure you all know what its like when you have an itch you can’t reach…there can be no waiting…it simply has to be scratched’. The others looked at one another, smiled and nodded in agreement.
‘Now, to continue said Holmes. Do you all agree that The Pizza Company that delivered the pizza to Buckingham Palace was called ‘Don Corleone, the Original stone baked Pizza Company’?
‘Agree,’ replied Humphrey on behalf of everyone. ‘But what’s that got to do with things? He asked.
James piped up in an excited voice.
‘I think I know the answer Holmes. I do believe I have managed to work it out,’ he yelled.
‘Then tell us dear boy, tell us all you think you know,’ said Holmes’,
‘In your paddle through your ocean of books did you happen to discover that the first stone baked pizzas ever made, were produced in the Sicilian village of Corleone?’
‘Well done James, you are absolutely right. I did,’ replied Homes.
‘And did you suspect that the bag being bundled into back of the van probably contained the Queen?’ ‘Right again,’ said Holmes with a warm, deep laugh.
‘Finally… you spotted that the van had the Corleone name painted on the side of it and from there it was a simple matter for you to work out that the queen had been kidnapped by the Corleone family and was probably being held somewhere in Sicily in the village of Corleone?’
‘By Jove your good James, in fact you’re very good. If ever I give up being a private detective I think you would make a fine replacement for me.
‘Thank you Holmes,’ replied James. ‘But right now, I have to get to Sicily and try to rescue the Queen.’
‘How do you plan to do that?’ asked Watson.
‘I’m not sure yet, Watson but Humph and I really do have to get going. I would appreciate your help gentlemen…there’s just enough room for one more to join us.’
‘Count me in,’ said Watson, quick as a flash.
‘Hey…what about me?’ said Holmes sounding a little left out.
‘Err…erm I’ll speak to ‘C’ Holmes and get her to pick you up’, answered James. ‘I’m pretty sure she will want to come along on this one. After all, its not every day CI6 gets a chance to rescue the Queen is it? By the way, if she brings the flying saucer, you’re in for the ride of your life Holmes; it’s by far the fastest vehicle in our fleet.’
‘Tally ho,’ cried Holmes excitedly. I’ll go and find my best cape and my new deerstalker hat.’ He turned around to find he was talking to an empty room. James, Humphrey and Watson were already on board the kennel.
Chapter six – the Sicilian job
In a few minutes James had the kennel at the top end of Baker Street, hovering over the top of Madame Tussauds wax works. Working quickly, he punched the village of Corleone into his sat-nav. When that was done, he turned his engines up to maximum power and hit the throttle. With the kennel set on a southeasterly course towards Sicily, they roared across London like a rocket. Watson was absolutely thrilled to be on board and decided he would be their commentator for the journey.
‘All of you, Look out the window’, he instructed.
‘The post office tower is just below us. Oh and that’s Buckingham Palace on our right and the Tower of London then Tower Bridge on our left. Any second now we should see the Millennium Wheel, Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament,’ he proclaimed excitedly.
‘Slow down Watson, slow down, you’ll have a heart attack at this rate,’ laughed Humphrey. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride’. James lent forward and switched on the wall monitors so Watson would be able to see everything in front of them.
‘Bless my soul were going so fast I can hardly keep my eyes focused.’ he exclaimed. He was totally mesmerised by the speed they were travelling at. Before long his eyes became heavy with the strain of concentrating on the monitors. Slowly they began to close until finally Watson lay slumped in his seat his mouth wide open and the sound of gentle snoring surrounding him.
It was very unusual for James to find himself flying the kennel at full blast and it demanded his full attention. He was grateful that Humphrey was along as co-pilot. James would carefully study the radar screen, take a quick look at the fuel speed and temperature gauges then make a couple of quick calculations. When he had the information he needed he would bark out a command to Humphrey. Never one to be flustered, Humphrey would respond with a very cool and casual ’Roooooger Captain,’ before executing the command.
In what seemed like no time at all James was informing Humphrey that there were ten minutes to go before landing.
‘Cut the boosters and throttle back to approach speed and thanks for all your help Humphrey,’ said James.
‘Roooooger Captain,’ replied Humphrey.
Watson must have unconsciously sensed the cut back in speed and woke himself up with a start.
‘Goodness me,’ I must have closed my eyes for a second,’ said Watson rubbing his eyes awake.
‘More like an hour and twenty minutes Watson,’ said Humphrey.
‘Keep your eyes on the monitors Watson,’ instructed James. ‘We are about to land, a mile or so outside the village of Corleone. Give me a shout when you see a set of flashing red lights, it will be a signal from ‘Coo Chi Gucci’, she’s marking out a landing area for us.’
‘Wilko,’ replied Watson.
‘Don’t you start Watson,’ said James, ‘its enough having Humphrey going ‘Roooooger’ every five minutes.
‘Sorry old man,’ said Watson with a sheepish grin. A few seconds later, he was hollering at the top of his voice.
‘I can see the lights I can see the lights. ‘Look over there.’ He cried pointing to the flashing lights on the wall monitors.
‘Wilko,’ said James with a raised eyebrow and a cheeky smile.
He lined up the kennel carefully, and then brought it down to land with another massive bump.
‘One day you’ll get the hang of parking this thing said Humphrey.’
As the kennel touched down her engines cut out and slowed down changing the noise from a roar to a soft hum. Suddenly, right next to them a loud noise split the air.
‘Whatever’s that,’ said Humphrey, shouting as loud as he could, to be heard above the noise.
‘I suspect that’s ‘C’ and Holmes arriving,’ replied James.
‘Take a look out the door and I bet you will see the flying saucer I spoke about earlier’.
Humphrey stuck his head out the door. The flying saucer had landed and he was just in time to catch ‘C’ as she descended from a glass lift that came down from the centre of a beautiful gold coloured machine.
For some odd reason unknown to him, Humphrey felt himself being strangely drawn to the golden glow that surrounded the flying saucer.
‘Wow, that’s so weird,’ he said to the others.
‘It’s almost dark here but the glow from the saucer makes it seem like the middle of the day. The whole thing looks like its on fire. It’s so beautiful. I have never seen anything like it in my life. Whatever is it made of,’ he asked James.
‘I can’t say Humphrey old man. Its top secret I’m afraid. You see it’s made of very special materials. Let’s just say the materials it’s made of are rarer than a bucket full of dust from Mars. In truth you won’t find any of the materials it’s made from on this planet… ’
Humphrey looked quite shocked and Watson was so flustered he burst out and exclaimed, ‘Bless my sole, a real flying saucer and it’s made from materials from another planet, whatever next James. ’
‘Maybe the little green men who helped build it,’ suggested Humphrey with a titter.
‘You’re not serious are you?’ Watson asked with a surprised look on his face.
‘No Watson I’m just teasing you,’ replied Humphrey.
‘Now hurry along you two. We need to meet up with ‘C’ and Holmes,’ Urged James.
James, Humphrey and Watson, met ‘C’ and Holmes about halfway between the kennel and the flying saucer.
‘Well James, tell me what happens next.’ asked ‘C’ with an icy stare. Everyone looked at James and waited for his answer.
‘I’m afraid I can’t help you yet ‘C’, said James very coolly.
‘The thing is I need to speak with Coo Chi Gucci first. I need to find out what’s going on around here. From the reports I read, she really knows her way around Sicily. She will have some good contacts. Once I have spoken with her I will be able to figure out what to do next. By the way, Holmes old man, I would really appreciate you being there when I speak with Coo Chi Gucci, if that’s OK with you?’
‘A pleasure James I am sure we would all like to hear what she has to say.’
‘Great,’ replied James.
’Oh by the way ‘C’, said James turning towards her.
‘We’ve landed in a very deserted area. We’re about ten miles south of the village of Corleone, which makes me think we should be pretty safe here? But…I strongly suggest we keep our C.L.O.A.K. protection switched on at all times. People are bound to have heard us arrive and you never know, a few nosey Sicilians may just decide to come out and see what all the noise was about.’
‘That’s all very well James,’ said ’C’.
‘But I’ve come all this way and nothing seems to be happening. What’s everyone supposed to be doing and what exactly do you want me to do?’
It was becoming obvious to everyone that ‘C’ was in a foul mood. It was a well known fact in CI6 that she was much more comfortable sitting behind a desk than being out on a field mission.
‘C’ was starting to get on James’s nerves. He scratched at a little itch under his collar, took at deep breath, counted to ten and then replied to her question.
‘Well for starters, it might be a good idea to change into some cargo pants and a sweat top ‘C’. I’m not all that up on fashion, but I don’t think a high heels and a short skirt are the right sort of kit for this type of mission,’ he turned and gave the others a little grin.
‘Don’t… push… your… luck… with me James Bone or I might just decide to take your 00 status away. This time tomorrow, you could find yourself flying a desk, instead of that nice smart kennel I gave you,’ she hissed at him sharply then spun quickly on her heel and headed back towards the saucer.
‘By the way ‘C’, don’t forget to switch on C.L.O.A.K,’ James called after her. She tossed her head as the lift transported her back up into the beautiful golden craft. Seconds later C.L.O.A.K. was switched on and the saucer became invisible.
Coo Chi Gucci joined James and the others at the kennel to discuss what to do next. She was everything you would expect from an Italian secret agent, stylish, slim and athletic with a very distinctive black and white coat. Coo Chi Gucci always wore black sunglasses, even when it was dark.
‘Scuzzi me James darling, but I just av to say, this is nowa very dangerousa mission. Becausa I av discovered, thata your Queen, she isa being elda bya the ‘Family’,’
‘What Family is that exactly,’ asked Watson with a puzzled look on his face.
‘The Family, I suspect,’ relied Holmes.
‘The Mafia the Cosa Nostra of course, the oldest, most feared criminal organisation in the world, that’s whom I think she means Watson. And I must tell you all, if she’s right and it is ‘The Mafia’, then this really is… a very dangerous mission.’
‘Oh I see what you mean Holmes old boy, that family, well it looks like we’ve got our work cut out. I mean, after all this is their territory. Their back yard, if you see what I mean.’
‘You’re absolutely right Watson.’ Its sort of England v Italy, and were the ones playing away from home,’ offered Humphrey.
‘Yesa thata isa correcta.’ Ana as you say in England. ‘Alla de cards, is stacked ina there favour. Capiche? Got it guys?’ Asked Coo Chi Gucci.
‘I certainly do get it. Or ‘Capiche’ as you say,’ replied Holmes.
‘But tell me this, Coo Chi Gucci. Have you any idea where the ‘Family’ are hiding our Monarch?
‘Si. I canna tell you Holmes. Actually, I canna tell you exactly where they are hiding youra Majesty. Sincea James darling contacted me, witha news thata the Queen of England wasa probably being held ina Corleone. I have hada my top girl’s ona the case. They ava beena searching the town, higha and lowa. Lasta night my two besta agents, Dolchie ana Crabbana, calleda me to say they hada located your Majesty. She isa being helda by Don Corleone, ina old deserted olive oil factory, ona the edge of town.’
‘Impressive work Coo Chi Gucci, very impressive indeed,’ said James leaning back in his chair.
‘James darling, I thinka you should hava teama likea mine in England. They are handa trained, by me. They are the besta agents in the whole of Europe. Ana thata includes you, mista hota shot James Bone,’ she said with a tinkling laugh.
‘Well who knows Coo Chi Gucci, if this mission goes well, we might just invite you over to train up all our agents.’
‘It woulda be a pleasure, buta…… James Darling, what abouta the terrible food in England, whatever could I eata,’ she purred.
Suddenly the door of the kennel flew open and ‘C’ walked in. She was wearing a very tight fitting sweat top; a pair of cargo pants, trainers and very cool pair of wrap around sunglasses.
‘Wow look at you,’ shouted Humphrey.
‘What happened to the city girl look,’ he asked.
‘C’ ignored Humphrey completely.
’It’s time for action and its time for me to hear what you pl
Hi Kevin, I have to admit that De Lillo doesn't appeal to me much. I borrowed The Body Artist from the library a while ago and sent it back unfinished, wondering what his reputation was all about. And with this one, well, if I hadn't had a copy of the book to read, the same thing would have happened.
Silver Season makes an interesting point about Londoners – who haven't felt 'safe' in their city since The Great Fire of London in 1666 or maybe even the Gunpowder Plot in 1605 – and it made me wonder about fiction featuring Islamic terrorism in general. Who's writing it, and who's reading it? The issue of voyeurism was never far from my mind when reading Falling Man, and yet for a traumatised nation, it might help people to read works that make them realise that they are not alone. And writers, of course, must write what the Muse sends them…
Whilst on a trip to London I was very privileged to have witnessed a display of the Japanese tea cermony, it is true to say that most people see this as a mere historical re-enactment and take no heed as to the background of such a practice.. suffice to say that many such things are wasted on todays society.
For my own part I did a least do a little research when I got back home.
Lorriane Bevere
Wasn’t Shinra’s Fault. Was Hojo. Blame him not Shinra! D: Al though Hojo was a part of Shinra. BUT HE WAS A MAD SCIENTIST AS WELL! BEsides who cares about Zack? I’m more concerned about the future than the past . o_o
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Central_London#Summary_of_districts